My Life

Things are Changing in Provo

Last modified on 2010-08-29 05:17:38 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

It’s fall, and in a valley with two major universities and the hub of social life for most single Mormon’s in the world, that means things are changing. You see, I’ve been thinking about this for the last little while and after today’s experiences I feel I need to write about. (That coupled with an insistence to write from @saintassassinx, @craltom, @tsaltom, and @miwahall) Let me preface my remarks by saying that I love Provo, Utah County, and the fact that I’m LDS.

This started the other day as I was driving around Provo around noon. I found myself frustrated in a gridlock of the most retarded traffic I have ever experienced in my life. Now I know for a fact that anyone reading this, who has embarked to the local Macey’s between 10AM and 3PM knows exactly what I am talking about. The foray of vehicles in front of me was ludicrous. Every car was moving about 20 MPH in a 35 MPH zone, and they made the most ridiculous and random lane changes I have ever seen. I ended up riding my already grinding brakes because I wasn’t sure who was going where and when and all I could do in my frustrated state was groan in frustration and take a long way to my destination.

Why? Why on Earth would the fast driving, road rage filled Utah County residents move that slow and that stupid through the streets of Provo? It’s unexplainable, and it is driving me nuts. It wasn’t until Friday August 27th that I realized I wasn’t alone in my psychosis. I had just left the driving range with my friend Chris Evans and we encountered a similar struggle as we passed BYU. A flood of cars blocked the road at about 7 PM which is just absurd. Chris, being the bright kid that he is, pointed out that BYU’s fall semester is starting. Lights started clicking and then I realized why I had been having such a ridiculous time driving around Provo, and I calmed a little.

That was great, until today. If you think driving in Provo is hard, wait until you step into a grocery store on the Saturday evening before school starts. As I turn into park, I signal for my parking stall and a dopey looking guy and gal decide they want to walk between my car and my spot. That caught my attention, but I wasn’t frustrated until they decided they didn’t remember where they had parked, and decided to debate it for a good 45 seconds right where I was trying to park.

The two finally decided to leave and allow me to park. I finally headed into the store where I realized why there were so many people at this particular store. 4 for $8 12 packs of Dr. Pepper, 7 UP brand drinks. Now one of the reason’s I went to this particular location was to purchase bottles of water. Needless to say, I ended up leaving with an assortment of soft drinks en lieu of my H2O. Now the point of this paragraph isn’t to elaborate on nor reiterate my love for Dr. Pepper. I wanted to explain the type of experience one could expect within the walls of the sacred edifice of a Utah County Macey’s. It’s mayhem.

The only thing I can think of to describe their behavior is this: If you want to judge a Mormon’s true commitment to a Christ like livelihood, watch them play sports, and watch them in a supermarket. That is just a little bit of humor, but I just wanted to give a list of things not to do in the supermarket, so here it is:

Don’t walk side by side at the pace of a snail talking about your relief society message.
Don’t stand in the middle of an aisle reviewing the products in front of you. No one can get by!
Don’t cut in front of someone’s cart just to get a better spot in line. It’s rude and you never know when that customer might snap and go all Columbine on you (not saying I’m that person).
Don’t stand in front of my parking spot. Why? I already addressed that earlier.
Don’t leave your wallet in your car, forcing you to leave your groceries in the line and fetch your wallet from the opposite side of your Kia (that’s what I did after complaining about all of this stuff).

In the end, I’m one of those morons that I’m complaining about. I’ll just come out and admit it. But the beauty of being non-objective is that I don’t really have to admit that very often. I lapse like everyone else into moments of cliche stupidity. All I can say is I’m working on it. And if you know what I’m saying, you should comment because now I’m feeling pretty stupid. Yeah I can suck at times, but just be glad you have not seen me playing sports. If you have any thoughts, or advice, hit me up on twitter @phudson. My name is Phil Hudson, and I’m just like you.

Dr Pepper: You Make The World Taste Better

Last modified on 2010-08-02 19:22:37 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

I felt inspired to write today because something fantastic happened. I was retweeted by none other than the Dr Pepper Corporation. That may not mean much to you, but to me that means the world. I have been a long time fan of Dr. Pepper. I love it, my father loves it, and his father loved it. We’re fighting at least three generations of addiction, and for a Mormon, that is a pretty big deal.

My family is English, Irish, Danish, Native American, and pretty much any other nationality you could possible think of. We’re mutts, but one thing is sure, we have addictive personalities from all of those groups of people we’ve descended from. In my religion we abstain from addictive products such as alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs. I’ve never tasted alcohol, other than cooking ingredients or medicine, but I’m sure that I’d be the most addicted alcoholic you’ve ever met in your life. Dr. Pepper fills that void for me. It does for me what exercise does for someone else. It provides that small moment of happiness in a stressful day. It makes me who I am.

I love the taste. One of my favorite things to do on a hot summer day, is pop open a Dr. Pepper and feel the carbonation bubble on my upper lip as I swallow some of the crisp goodness inside. Just the sound of the can bursting open, followed by the fizzy goodness of the refreshing beverage inside is enough to make my mouth water. Just imagine the chilled goodness sliding down your throat (or if you are like me, let it foam in your mouth before depositing it in your stomach). From Dr. Pepper Jelly Bellies, to Dr. Pepper Chap Stick, I’ve tried it all and it all tastes great!

Every time I indulge myself with a Dr. Pepper, I am reminded of childhood memories, fun times with friends, late nights at IHOP, dates both good and bad, and much more. You see, Dr. Pepper for me is more than just a beverage. It’s a lifestyle, a keepsake, and memory tool. It allows me to enjoy the best parts of my life, while remembering there really is more to it. From the classic commercials of yester-year with the construction worker lifting the Dr. Pepper truck off the ground so he could get a soda, to following their sponsored MLG team Str8 Rippin, Dr. Pepper has had an impact on my life. I’m just happy it’s a good one. So do us all a favor, go buy yourself a Dr. Pepper (even if it’s caffeine free), take a sip, remember some good memories, and spread the love.

As for me, I’m on my way to buy another one, as a salute to an American Institution, the Dr. Pepper Corporation. Follow them @drpepper and remember to ‘Drink a Bite To Eat at 10, 2, and 4.”

Contra La Gente – My Thoughts on Arizona’s Immigration Laws

Last modified on 2010-08-02 19:24:20 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

I don’t know where to begin this post. This is a subject that has torn me from one side to the other, up and down. It means a lot to me on many personal levels and in ways most people can’t understand. Many people can call me “patriotism” into question because of views that I have and a few months ago I might have cared.

I guess the best place to start is with an explanation that can’t be refuted by anyone: I love the United States of America. I always have. Not once have done, said, or acted in a way that could degrade the love I have for this country. As a member of the LDS faith, that love is magnified, though interestingly enough our own church history proves that immigration laws aren’t necessarily what is best for the people whom they concern.

We live in an enlightened time. We have grown so much over the last two hundred years. We’ve abolished slavery. We’ve desegregated our schools. We’ve given women the right to vote. We’ve provided equal opportunities for all races, religions, ethnic backgrounds, and lifestyles are ‘protected’ inalienable rights that make each individual in America who they are. There is no question in my mind, nor would I say the mind of any intelligent and open minded person on the face of the planet that those are all good things. My religion, which is my moral compass, dictates to me that freedom of choice is the most protected right we have. No one should be able to take that away from us. That doesn’t mean we won’t have to pay the consequences for our actions, on the contrary we should embrace those consequences because they mean we live in a society where we can truly act for ourselves. This moral stand I must take, has done more to shape my moral, ethical, and political views than any other sole principle. The need to protect such a right given to all men everywhere without question of their intelligence, color of their skin, age, or sex (etc) has forced me to ask a strong question: What is ‘Freedom’?

Freedom in essence is ‘the right to choose’. People have the right to do that and we can’t take it away. I agree their are punishments necessary and due for people who violate the rights and civil liberties of someone else. I will back, 100%, any law that stops people from doing ‘bad’ things. But the next question, when discussing freedom is understanding what ‘bad’ really is.

I served an LDS mission in Tucson, Arizona which stretched all along the Mexican border to El Paso, Texas. On my mission we were faced with the question of ‘Baptizing Illegal Immigrants’. Elder Lance Wickman, of the Quorum of the 70, and the chief Legal Officer of the church came to visit our mission where my Mission President, Douglas Farr Higham a lawyer from Southern California, had a chance to talk to him about the church’s stance on that subject. In a Zone conference, my Mission President, spoke to us about this subject where he taught us a valuable and life altering legal rule. A rule by which most laws and punishments are predicated. It’s “Malum en Se VS Malum Prohibitum”. In English, that means “Bad because it’s bad VS bad because it’s prohibited”. Carnal sin. Something that is just truly BAD because it is exactly that, BAD. That’s the difference we need to look at when we discuss something as being bad. Murder, Theft, Sexual Deviance, etc. are all examples of malum en se. They are just BAD things. Driving without a seat belt isn’t a BAD thing, it’s bad because it’s prohibited. Speeding is another example. Now I pose a question: Is it BAD to be born on one side of a river, or is just bad?

Immigration, more specifically illegal immigration, is bad because someone put up a fence. It’s not a BAD thing to born in another country. It’s not a BAD thing to come to the United States to provide for your family. I strongly believe this line is skewed and masked by a deeper seated hatred and racism that has always existed. I’m not saying everyone who disagrees with immigration is a racist. Not by a long shot. What I’m saying is that deep down inside, the reason we support removing someone from our country that ‘doesn’t belong’ here is motivated by a belief that we are better, or they are inferior. That, by definition, is prejudice and prejudice begets racism.

Let me also clarify, I’m not for illegal immigration. I don’t condone breaking the law. I in no form support lawlessness because a society without laws and punishment for breaking those laws isn’t a society. We must all be responsible for the same lifestyle as the next man. But we should also understand not all men are given the same opportunities to achieve. Why are you and I here in America right now? Because someone left another country a long time ago looking for a better life. That, in no way, is a BAD thing. None of us would say “Curse you forefathers for coming to America and changing my life for a better one!” No, we praise and thank them for their resilience in crossing oceans and walking miles to come to a land where they could have a right to worship and act according to the dictates of their own conscience. We have a holiday where we remember them, and most of us (especially anyone belonging to the LDS church) have such strong ties we spend hours researching our family history to get to know these pioneers in our own lives.

How is this any different? A lot of us might ask how it could be, but if you go back far enough in your own history, I guarantee you will find an illegal immigrant. Whether you were a stow away on an Italian vessel, Mormon banned from the US because you practiced Polygamy, or the Irish who fled tyranny and oppression to much the same degree Mexico is facing now. We are an immigrant nation, an to deny that is ignorance to your own state.

I am not a parent, nor am I married. But I can’t imagine, with the love I feel for strangers, ever thinking that I would not do whatever I needed to in order to provide for my family, short of something immoral or unethical. I can promise that any man, who can call themselves that, would do the same.

Now, I want to make my stance very clear on the passed Arizona law, and the proposed legislation to stop “Anchor Babies”.

1. Arizona’s Already Passed Immigration Law – I will admit I am somewhat biased because of my time in Arizona working with illegal immigrants and seeing them struggle. In a very special way, I have connected with these people as I am a child of poverty. The only reason I have an education and the ability to go to school, work, and grow as a person is because I live in America. Hands down, the lifestyle I grew up with would have been unrealistic and unbearable without the support of government security plans, welfare and the fact that my Church believes in taking care of their own. Many of you do not realize this but my father has has Cerebral Palsy his entire life (he can’t use his legs). My mother is diagnosed with a form of Schizophrenia that stops her from being able to take care of or for the most part interact with any of us for prolonged periods. I was not meant to go to college, nor was I mean to have the opportunity to pursue, actively, any career or field other than manual labor. That’s just the plain and simple truth. Because I have lived that life, I am empathetic and strongly support anyone, regardless of nationality for trying to do the same. Those are the people that I saw every single day in my mission. They don’t come here to take advantage of the United States and the benefits it gives. They come here to work, for the most part, two full time jobs doing work most of us would sneer at. They work hard, and long, and love life. They throw parties with family members on the weekends, they enjoy music and dancing and drinking beer. They are happy to have the little that they do, because it is so much more than anything they have back in Mexico. Those are the people that I love.

Now, I have read the bill. I understand what it says. I also understand, in a very realistic way, that bills can say one thing, but what people do is entirely different. Other than my moral objection to the bill, I feel that it has many flaws and faults which infringe on “God Given” rights given to ‘All Men’, not just American Citizens.

Hispanic neighborhoods are notorious for high crime rates. I know for a fact, this is due to a fear that they will be deported for calling the police. Before this law, they weren’t allowed to ask about someone’s legal status, as it is not their job nor is it their responsibility. Their job is to enforce their local laws, and protect the civil rights of the people within their judicial boundaries. After this law passed, you have groups of already scared people who won’t call the police because it could get them sent out of the country. That has done more damage to the justice system than it was ever worth to stop “drug cartels” as the law states.
Arizona has given a responsibility of the Federal Government to a state organization. Police officers do not have a right to protect or enforce immigration. There are federal organizations set up to enforce these laws, and a state cannot override the “supreme law” of the land. Now, I also understand that since the law has passed most people are quick to jump the ‘conclusion’ that federal government isn’t doing their job. And yes, Bush tried to apply some things back in 2005-2006, but nothing was ever followed up on. Let us be very realistic for a moment, you cannot focus on immigration reform at a time when you are tied up fighting two unnecessary wars, trying to save a sinking economy, protect the rights of Americans by enacting laws that help save American lives here in America, and amidst the largest man-made natural disaster the world has ever faced. It’s no secret that I like President Obama, but honestly, cut the man some slack. He’s done, and tried to do, more for American citizens than any president has in my lifetime.
Economically, and I’m no expert that’s why I have my friend Chris Evans, it’s just a bad move. I manage a restaurant, and the fresh produce we receive weekly comes from Mexico, or from border states where Mexican immigrants (mostly illegal) plant, grow, and harvest the food you and I eat. That, and every other major service industry profits off of immigrants. If someone is complaining that immigrants don’t pay taxes, they obviously have never done payroll for a company. Any company, that follows the US guidelines, takes taxes out of every workers check. That money is not returned to them, as they are not citizens and cannot file a tax return. That means billions (thats $1,000,000,000′s of dollars) for the US and State economies. We don’t want those jobs, we don’t want our kids to have those jobs, so someone has to work those jobs or you and I pay more! I don’t want that, and I know you don’t either. If someone is paying ‘under the table’ they are in direct violation of federal laws that require those taxes to be paid. Go after the employer doing that, it’s him that is making you pay more in taxes, not the immigrants!
Healthcare – By now you should all no my stance on Health Care reform is based on my childhood and life and I admit openly that I am bias. I know because of my life experiences, that there is and was a need for reform. Mexican’s cannot get free health care. They pay just as we do if we don’t have insurance. They don’t get medicaid or medicare. Their kids might, if they were born here. But guess what, that’s the beauty of America! American’s get the benefits they need and deserve in America. And anyone who says a child, immigrant or not, doesn’t deserve health care needs to take a stern look in a mirror, contemplate their life and moral guidance and make the appropriate changes because they are on the quick path to Hell. I will end this point by pointing out, that illegals can get free health care at a hospital, but so can Americans. They have to help you to the best of their ability if it is a life threatening issue. And honestly, that’s why we have the service, not business, of health care.

Second, is the proposed legislation to remove citizenship rights from people born here, with illegal parents. This is flat out wrong, and unconstitutional. No one has the right to go against a federal law that has applied to all of us and our status as an American Citizen. That, is hateful, racist, and ignorant. It can’t be done, or you revoke our rights to citizenship in the Unites States as well. I honestly don’t believe anyone can argue that point.

America to me, means freedom to express myself, freedom to grow, and freedom to become the very best person I can with as much success as I am willing to put into it. Mexicans can be just as bad as Americans, and vice versa. A border does not make someone inferior. But if you still disagree with me, please list your reasoning in the comments below. I don’t write this article to argue or combat with anyone. I’m simply stating my reason for believing the way I do.

I will end by sharing a last thought, that I would ask all who read this to ponder: Imagine watching a crying child cry for their mother and father, as men in suits push them into the back of small caged truck bed. Think of what that child is thinking as they take the hand of a stranger in a business suit taking them to a group or foster home where they may never see their parents or brother’s and sister’s again. That might not mean much to you, but to me it does. I’ve been that child. I’ve been through the foster home system, I know what it feels like to be taken from your parents because someone else feels they are ‘unfit’ to have you. Those emotions are real to me, because I have experienced over two years in those group and foster homes. They are breeding ground for troubled youth, angry kids, and the downfall of our society. Think about those families the next time you smile at a border patrol bust. Let’s reform immigration, let’s make it possible for people who want to work to get here, and make it harder for people who want to drug deal and murder to stay out. Let’s just do it in the proper way, through the proper legal and moral means.

Sit Back and Listen

Last modified on 2010-08-23 00:27:26 GMT. 5 comments. Top.

Today was an interesting day. For those of you unfamiliar with college life in Utah County, the entire valley is basically a ghost town on Sundays. Few cars are on the roads, hardly any shops are open and the most popular place to be is actually every other block at an LDS chapel. From 6 AM to 6 PM or later, these edifices with towers stretching high into the sky are an inner sanctum of Mormon social life. What happens after, however, can tell you a lot about who you are on a spiritual, social, and emotional level.

For me, a Sunday usually consists of waking up ten minutes before church starts, throwing on a shirt and a tie, sitting through three hours of religious instruction (which is spent with me wishing I could play Tetris on my iPhone), and rushing home to gorge myself on anything I can find in my fridge. But today was different.

This afternoon I found myself sitting at my desk, attempting to plug in as many lines of dialog and scene description into my most recent screenplay as possible. That, unfortunately, was interrupted with the arrival of my brother and his fiance. They wanted to take a nap and I took that as my excuse to end my miserable attempt at writing this particular screenplay.

My thoughts turned to chocolate, and the small portion I stole from my brothers cupboard to satisfy my intense sweet tooth. Sad news, it didn’t. So as I sat there, thinking about this chocolate I remembered my sister Rachel had just returned from Canada, and brought with her a Wunderbar. Now, there is one thing you have to understand about Phil Hudson, I love chocolate. It’s quite frankly instant happiness for me. It really is. My friend Mike calls me the “Truffle-uf-agus” because we spent January 2009 sitting in our living room watching Battle Star Galactica and eating truffles we got from Kara Chocolates.

Needless to say, I called my sister (one of those rare occasions which she adores, I’m sure) and she happened to be at a BBQ. To make things short, I was invited to go over and I thought ‘Heck, I’m not doing anything anyway, and my brother’s making out with his fiance right here in the same room’, so I headed for Provo.

Now, to understand something about Provo on a Sunday, most people just walk around in their suits and ties and a rather elegant pair of flip flops and white tube socks. They’re all clean cut, with freshly gelled hair and glowing with spirituality. I, on the other hand, am wearing a retro Star Wars Empire Strikes Back t-shirt, some jeans with holes in them, my blue Sperry Top Siders and a 1983 Chicago White Sox hat. My beard is scruffy, my hair is unkempt (hence the hat wearing) and I felt like I’d just woken up from a much needed nap (yeah, it was much needed but it didn’t happen).

I step out of my car in the middle of Suburban Provo, walk up the sidewalk to a house bubbling with BYU students and see my sister sitting with her roommate (whom I would offend completely about four hours later with the admonition that I am a registered Democrat). We greeted each other, and we started the long awkward process of introductions to half the people in her BYU ward (religious congregation). First of all I’m bound to feel out of place because I’m an uninvited guest at a social gathering where everyone knows everyone. Secondly, my being there was like a Lion walking onto the Serengeti where a pride of lion’s is bored and ready to kill something. I’m competition. No matter what, if I speak to any females, no matter who they are, I’m crossing a metaphorical urine stain marking some other jungle cat’s territory.

In the end, I’m a sitting duck for conversations with awkward girls, angry guys (yes, I know this is starting to sound cynical, but it’s not), and yes even those occasional bright stars of BYU that make everyone feel welcome.

I enter the circle of chairs. I take my seat across from my sister. Some dude pulls up a chair, rupturing the structural integrity of this social convention I’ve chosen to enter, he begins to speak with my sister in depth. I’m all alone. The food is just being served so it isn’t long before I’m surround by my sister’s roommate’s and ward friends. They all begin to converse, while I sit back and listen.

One thing I have always loved doing, is people watching. Just take a moment to observe the people around you. Whether it’s nose picking, washing their cars with the window squeegee’s, or picking their crack you can see some pretty awesome things. So naturally, a BYU BBQ is the perfect location to do so. I start by absorbing the conversations around me. I listen carefully for tones, laughter, anything important. The conversation’s range from the benefits of ballet versus a rock concert, majors, minors and everything in between and even roommates. I continue to absorb personality types until my ears finally settle on one person. A blond sitting across from me in the half circle I’ve been left to squander in.

Somehow, the conversation has embarked on a path toward Disney movies (odd yes, but nothing entirely out of place for a conversation taking place at BYU). This particular blond begins to discuss Disney princesses, in particular who everyone’s favorites are. I state very bluntly that Belle has had my heart since I first met her. Another girl says, “I like Ariel because she’s a red head like me”. Another, Aurora, Snow White, etc. That’s when I over hear her start discussing the secret meaning of each princess. “Guy’s who like Jasmin like sluts. Belle is the intelligent one, that means you actually care about a girl’s intelligence” (Not going to lie, that makes me proud). She continues to rant about the deeper meaning of the Disney films, “Ariel can disobey her father and he will sell her soul to save her” on and on.

Then the conversation switches to Ninja Turtles, I firmly believe you can tell a lot about someone based on their favorite Ninja Turtle. I’m a Donatello fan, I want to be cool, but in my heart I’m a nerd, Leonardo fan’s are natural leaders, Michelangelo fans just want to party, and Raphael fans are strong willed and slightly moody. Everyone agrees with me at this point, and she says “Yeah, I guess that does describe me, but I also liked him because the Si was my show weapon in Karate.

This is the point where my eyes bulge with mixed emotions. Frustration, annoyance, and awe that this twenty-something year-old girl quite literally has an opinion on any and everything I could ever bring up. She continues on and on for another twenty minutes discussing the necessity for everyone to know self defense and then be prepared even if you know how to defend yourself. She even goes on to say “I was almost raped and I’m a 2nd degree black belt”.

All-in-all, I’m amazed. Desert arrives so they end up breaking the circle and I’m stuck with two guys, 1 of whom brings up Health Care Reform in a negative connotation (anyone who knows me knows that I have a very strong and loud opinion on this one) and I end up shutting him down with a couple facts he apparently wasn’t aware of. I have a good conversation with the other guy about the film industry and the future of the health industry in America.

All in all, it’s a good day. And by now you’re probably wondering why you even read this long post on my ridiculous website. All you need to know, is you understand where I’m coming from. The world is an interesting place. Look at the people around you, pay attention to the little details they share about themselves and the hidden desires that drive them. That will allow you to communicate better and enjoy life more fully. And wow, sometimes we should just keep a few of our opinions to ourselves. It can drive a man nuts!

Sad Sappy Sucker

Last modified on 2010-02-15 05:28:31 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

My name is Phillip Alexander Hudson. I’m not much to look at, nor do I have much to offer the world at this point in life. I haven’t done anything fantastic, or life altering. I’ve never set a world record or saved someone’s life. I’m an average 24 year old who manages a deli by day, and mans the phones at a call center by night. All in all, I won’t be winning any “Man of the Year” awards any time soon.

Just like most men, I do my best to make it in this world, I try my hardest to help others and enjoy life with friends and family (and trust me, my friends and family are all normal too, though amazing in their own right). It would be fair to say that I am quite simply, normal.

However, as normal and unspectacular as I am, there is one thing that separates me from most men in this world (I don’t dare say ‘all men’ because that would be presumptuous and arrogant). What might that be? My heart.

Since I was a boy I have always lived my life by my heart. I remember as a kid, I wanted to be a clown because I wanted to make people happy. I also wanted to be an artist, so that I could create beautiful things that would brighten the lives of all that saw my work. And even though it was taboo for a boy in Kindergarten, I have loved my whole life too.

In my life, the faces, names, looks, attitudes, personalities, and circumstances have changed but my heart has always loved. Heartache is something I’ve become acquainted with. I know many people who prefer not to love because they “don’t want to be hurt”. I understand this sentiment, and have also donned it as my mantra from time to time. Who wants that anyway? Who enjoys the suffering that comes from knowing the person you care most about in the world is with someone else? Who takes comfort knowing they have been betrayed by a friend or family member who’s gone for the one prize you cherish most in this world? Anyone who has ever loved has felt that ‘pit’ in their stomach, that growing pain that rises from deep in your gut and seems to burst your heart. The effects of which are visible in the tears that flow freely from the ‘windows of our soul’. And how appropriate is that?

I find myself at a stage in life where I am afraid to love or share the feelings within with another. So many friends and family members have married, or fallen in love only to have their hearts ripped out by the person they’ve trusted. Both men and women whom I know, have had their trust shattered like glass on a rough floor. As I listen to the stories of friends and family members, their stories have haunted my ability to share my innermost emotions with another. Yet still I do.

Idealists are frowned upon in our generation, be they political, social, or even romantic idealists. Sadly, the world is so lost that any idealist seems to have their dream taken right from under them by people they love. People will mock and scorn you for believing in something pure, but cheer it on when it’s portrayed on the silver screen or in real life. The hero’s of our society live those ideals, yet they are beset by friends and family all along the way.

Sadly, I find myself caught in a romantic ideological web. I might be naive, I might be out-dated, I might even be an idiot for believing in relationships the way I do. All I know is I am a slave to my heart.

The girls I have ‘loved’ in my life will never know what it is like to feel what I feel. They won’t know the insecurity that comes from within like a brooding monster at the kindling of my first romantic interest. They won’t know what it’s like to force yourself to say something, or not, because you are unsure whether they will be open to your advances. They will never know what it feels like to have your heart pulse faster because they smiled (even if it wasn’t at you). They won’t know the pain one goes through every time you go out, as you try to come up with something original and special for a date with them, as you try to be respectful, yet still maintain you want to be more than just friends. They can never understand how your heart beat pounds harder and faster with every step toward their door, nor the inner battle you must fight to calm yourself as the door opens. And they can never know how your heart ache’s to hold them as you see pure beauty emanating from within their eyes. They can’t imagine what it feels like to wait hour on end for a chance to spend a few hours with them, only to have them blow it off like it was no big deal.

Some of those emotions are reserved for the special ones. I’m not saying I’ve been in love with every girl I’ve ever come to be interested in, that’s more of an ‘in like’. The truth of the matter is, I’ve only loved one woman in my entire life, and I lost her too. Even she will never know what it is like to force yourself to ‘give up’ because you know the man she’s with will make her happier and provide better than you could have. I can say, that has been and still is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Though it’s been more than a year I still feel that respect and adoration for her. It will forever be one of my inner demons, something I must suppress to a dark corner of my heart.

The worst part of loving with all that you have is you always end up a Sad Sappy Sucker. Girls seem to like the guys who will be abusive, or use them. They will always go for the one who leads them down a dark path, be it morally or spiritually. If the guy they say they have ‘always wanted’ is standing right in front of them next to a complete tool with nice abs and a strong jaw, they will choose the one with the tool. And they think a man’s libido will block his rational judgment before a woman will become a slave to her sex drive. In my 24 years, I have seen more girls succumb to a false notion of ‘Love’ than I have men (who honestly care to treat women correctly).

I know I’m overweight. I know I’m half bald. I know I work at a deli. But the difference is, I will love you the rest of my life. The other guy will love you until he’s tired of you. Motivation fixes fat. Hair plugs fix baldness. You can’t fix arrogant-douchbag-itis.

This post has been very sincere. These are things that I feel in my core. I don’t know why I felt I should write this, especially on Valentines day. In all honesty, this Valentines season has been one of the best of my life. I just hope one day I can quit believing in the ideal of True Love, and start loving my True Love.

Because Facebook Sucks Right Now

Last modified on 2010-02-25 01:49:57 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

Okay, So I’ve tried to post this at least 4 times to facebook and it’s being really stupid. So here’s the simple version.

Here’s a link to an article by a woman from the Soviet Union who explains why nothing our President has said should ever be deemed to be “Socialistic” or “Marxist”. http://ilaba.wordpress.com/2009/11/01/paint-it-red/

Over all, I feel that $62 after insurance for Pink Eye medicine, an illness I last had when I was 5 is a bit extreme. If we have the best Health Care system in the world, why hasn’t something this common just been taken care of?

I don’t know where people get this “Fully Federalized Socialistic Empire” plan they accuse Obama of having. If someone can post a link by a credible source (Whitehouse.gov, etc) explaining that to me, I’d appreciate it very much.

I feel the underlying principle is simply this: If you care about people, you will put aside political or personal pride to look at what is best for the United State and it’s citizens, and less about “Well I already said this so I have to keep going because I don’t want to admit I’m wrong.” Stop listening to talk show hosts on either side about their own views and start looking at what the people who matter are saying and learn for yourself what is right and what is wrong. Just because they have a TV show does not make them an expert.

Also, we should take a hard look at ourselves and what our vision of America is. We should treat people as people and not so much as statistics or false evidence to propagate our own side.

Thank you all for you comments, I personally learned a lot from the things you said and I’m glad everyone was civil.

Resolutions and the Social Funk

Last modified on 2010-01-05 00:37:59 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I spent the last few days pondering what I wanted to do for this new year. Myy whole life, everyone I’ve known has really pushed the “New Year’s Resolutions”. I’ve seen it on T.V. I’ve seen it on the news. I’ve seen it through my friends and family members. I’ve always struggled with it. I have, however, decided to attempt something this year, that I have wanted to do for more than 5. It’s not really a resolution, just a goal I’ve set for myself.

I once heard that the brightest men in the world read an average of 19 books a year. I want to be one of the brightest men in the world. Not because I’m prideful and only desire to place myself ona pedestal of pompous arrogance. It’s because I enjoy learning. I enjoy being able to communicate with others. I like being informed. I remember when I was about 12 I overheard a conversation between two adults. I didn’t know what they were talking about and that frustrated me. I decided I never wanted to be incapable of continuing a conversation with someone because of my inability to express my opinion. So, naturally, this goal fits. I did however change it slightly.

In 2010, and hopefully the every year that follows, I want to read 24 books. That’s 1 book every 2 weeks for the next year. I think it’s more than accomplishable, yet it will still force me to stretch a little to do so. I want to know what I’m to read this year, so I’ve decided to make a list and devide the number into 6 categories: World Classics, Politics, Self Improvement, Personal, Career, and New Release. This will give me 4 books in 6 categories which I feel enables me to continue to grow in my cultural awareness from the past, present, and future. I hope to achieve it and am looking for suggestions. I already have my first 4 books lined up so if you have any ideas for other books to read, please let me know and I’ll happily check them out.

Hello World Wide Web

Last modified on 2009-12-21 06:00:37 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Phil here. Just wanted you all to know I am currently fixing everything on this site. I’m excited to have my own website. It’s something I have wanted for a long time, and now that I am here I have the ability to pollute what ever electronic signal is connecting me to my readers. Some people call it a blog. Personally, I call it a streaming list of articles about things I find important. Yeah, I’m working on that one.

I hope to share hear my thoughts on life. Everyday we experience so many individual things that make up our lives. We all have experiences individual to ourselves. And those experiences help us form opinions. With those opinions we live our lives. I submit, that those opinions, though singular to ourselves, can be felt and compared to those of our contemporaries. Those lively treasures allow us to help others through connections physical, emotional, and spiritual.

The idea of being a writer is something we all have contemplated. Now, the internet allows us to do that swiftly and with such far reaching potential, the conquest of this new frontier, though difficult, seems worth it. Now, the question and true issue lies in making it worth while. Is what we say worth being read. That’s the true battle of our modern day journey. Let’s see if I have what it takes to over power this giant of a task. Join me on the journey, or not. I’ll do it succeed or fail.

Comments? Hit me up on Twitter. @phudson

www.TheyCallMePhil.com