Sad Sappy Sucker
Posted in February 14th, 2010 by Phil | Filed under My Life | Comments (2)
My name is Phillip Alexander Hudson. I’m not much to look at, nor do I have much to offer the world at this point in life. I haven’t done anything fantastic, or life altering. I’ve never set a world record or saved someone’s life. I’m an average 24 year old who manages a deli by day, and mans the phones at a call center by night. All in all, I won’t be winning any “Man of the Year” awards any time soon.Just like most men, I do my best to make it in this world, I try my hardest to help others and enjoy life with friends and family (and trust me, my friends and family are all normal too, though amazing in their own right). It would be fair to say that I am quite simply, normal.
However, as normal and unspectacular as I am, there is one thing that separates me from most men in this world (I don’t dare say ‘all men’ because that would be presumptuous and arrogant). What might that be? My heart.
Since I was a boy I have always lived my life by my heart. I remember as a kid, I wanted to be a clown because I wanted to make people happy. I also wanted to be an artist, so that I could create beautiful things that would brighten the lives of all that saw my work. And even though it was taboo for a boy in Kindergarten, I have loved my whole life too.
In my life, the faces, names, looks, attitudes, personalities, and circumstances have changed but my heart has always loved. Heartache is something I’ve become acquainted with. I know many people who prefer not to love because they “don’t want to be hurt”. I understand this sentiment, and have also donned it as my mantra from time to time. Who wants that anyway? Who enjoys the suffering that comes from knowing the person you care most about in the world is with someone else? Who takes comfort knowing they have been betrayed by a friend or family member who’s gone for the one prize you cherish most in this world? Anyone who has ever loved has felt that ‘pit’ in their stomach, that growing pain that rises from deep in your gut and seems to burst your heart. The effects of which are visible in the tears that flow freely from the ‘windows of our soul’. And how appropriate is that?
I find myself at a stage in life where I am afraid to love or share the feelings within with another. So many friends and family members have married, or fallen in love only to have their hearts ripped out by the person they’ve trusted. Both men and women whom I know, have had their trust shattered like glass on a rough floor. As I listen to the stories of friends and family members, their stories have haunted my ability to share my innermost emotions with another. Yet still I do.
Idealists are frowned upon in our generation, be they political, social, or even romantic idealists. Sadly, the world is so lost that any idealist seems to have their dream taken right from under them by people they love. People will mock and scorn you for believing in something pure, but cheer it on when it’s portrayed on the silver screen or in real life. The hero’s of our society live those ideals, yet they are beset by friends and family all along the way.
Sadly, I find myself caught in a romantic ideological web. I might be naive, I might be out-dated, I might even be an idiot for believing in relationships the way I do. All I know is I am a slave to my heart.
The girls I have ‘loved’ in my life will never know what it is like to feel what I feel. They won’t know the insecurity that comes from within like a brooding monster at the kindling of my first romantic interest. They won’t know what it’s like to force yourself to say something, or not, because you are unsure whether they will be open to your advances. They will never know what it feels like to have your heart pulse faster because they smiled (even if it wasn’t at you). They won’t know the pain one goes through every time you go out, as you try to come up with something original and special for a date with them, as you try to be respectful, yet still maintain you want to be more than just friends. They can never understand how your heart beat pounds harder and faster with every step toward their door, nor the inner battle you must fight to calm yourself as the door opens. And they can never know how your heart ache’s to hold them as you see pure beauty emanating from within their eyes. They can’t imagine what it feels like to wait hour on end for a chance to spend a few hours with them, only to have them blow it off like it was no big deal.
Some of those emotions are reserved for the special ones. I’m not saying I’ve been in love with every girl I’ve ever come to be interested in, that’s more of an ‘in like’. The truth of the matter is, I’ve only loved one woman in my entire life, and I lost her too. Even she will never know what it is like to force yourself to ‘give up’ because you know the man she’s with will make her happier and provide better than you could have. I can say, that has been and still is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Though it’s been more than a year I still feel that respect and adoration for her. It will forever be one of my inner demons, something I must suppress to a dark corner of my heart.
The worst part of loving with all that you have is you always end up a Sad Sappy Sucker. Girls seem to like the guys who will be abusive, or use them. They will always go for the one who leads them down a dark path, be it morally or spiritually. If the guy they say they have ‘always wanted’ is standing right in front of them next to a complete tool with nice abs and a strong jaw, they will choose the one with the tool. And they think a man’s libido will block his rational judgment before a woman will become a slave to her sex drive. In my 24 years, I have seen more girls succumb to a false notion of ‘Love’ than I have men (who honestly care to treat women correctly).
I know I’m overweight. I know I’m half bald. I know I work at a deli. But the difference is, I will love you the rest of my life. The other guy will love you until he’s tired of you. Motivation fixes fat. Hair plugs fix baldness. You can’t fix arrogant-douchbag-itis.
This post has been very sincere. These are things that I feel in my core. I don’t know why I felt I should write this, especially on Valentines day. In all honesty, this Valentines season has been one of the best of my life. I just hope one day I can quit believing in the ideal of True Love, and start loving my True Love.
February 15, 2010 at 7:38 am
Phil-
I love you! This made me cry. You are such an amazing person. I know you’ll find her. I know you will. And when you do, she is going to be just an amazing person because that is what you deserve
Love ya! I need to add you to my blog!!
Sarah Kolar
February 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Thanks Sarah. I’m pretty normal when it comes down to it. Thanks for being so awesome!
Also, I feel I should just mention to all future readers, this message isn’t meant to be some big “woah-is-me” comment. It’s simply some things I have been feeling that I needed to get out.